August 5, 2014

My Dearest Daughter,

Less than forty eight hours ago, I stood in the bright sun-light on the rooftop parking garage at the Albuquerque International Airport and watched your plane lift off, into the billowy white clouds, turn and fly east. With tears streaming down my face, and taking big gulps of air, as your plane veered left, and then disappeared, I yelled out to the stark blue sky “Thank you, thank you, thank you.” I was pacing up and down the hot concrete walkway, with far too much energy in my body to go straight to the car.

My heart contained so much grief and gratitude in that moment and the moments that followed that I wondered if it might explode.

And, any one watching me, might have thought I was a crazy person. And, since you regularly tell me that is exactly what I am, I knew you would appreciate knowing that and picturing the scene in your head.

Chloe Grace, being your mom and loving you has been the greatest teaching of my life-time. No one else has had the power to render me help-less, bust my ego, push me up against my own perceived limitations and force me to let go of control, like it or not. 

The first moment I saw your beautiful face, a few seconds after your birth I once again shouted out to no one in particular “She’s perfect, she’s perfect". This was despite the fact that you were born the color of an eggplant due to the altitude in Santa Fe. Other people in the delivery room later reported to me that they didn't know exactly who I was speaking about as you looked a little like an alien to them. But from that moment through your fairy princess days into teenaged breaking curfew nights, to this moment now, you have always been my everything girl. And for the record, the fairy princess days were a hell of a lot more fun than shall we say, your teenaged testing of the limits. But, that does not mean I wavered in my love for you, for one second. Not even when I called the cops on you for jumping out of my car at the stoplight on St. Francis to walk back to be with your friends at The Lensic. Actually, especially not then. That was the moment when I knew, that although you would be furious and embarrassed and I was fearful and embarrassed, I would not enable you in acting shitty and putting your self in danger, by walking through dark ally's in creepy neighborhoods to get you way. The Mama bear in me has always been fierce in me. And I remember something you shared with me when you were only nine or ten (you were always wise beyond your years.) One of the girls at the Waldorf School that you attended was being bratty and manipulative with the other girls. Slowly, she had pushed away all of her friends, including you.

As you shared the story with me, I was rendered near speechless when you said to me

"I am really happy that you had boundaries with me Mom."

"Why's that, Honey?" I asked.

"Because if you hadn't, I might have turned out like Beth. It seems like nobody ever told her no or taught her how to act with others. So, even though I might have not liked it at the time, I'm glad you had boundaries with me"

Out of the mouths of babes and all that. I'm glad that you told me then and I bet you were kicking yourself for having shared it aloud with me by the time you were fourteen. Am I right?


On another note, yesterday, I was having lunch with friend, a sage like older woman, and, this being Santa Fe and all we were talking about astrology. She told me she was a Virgo with Sag rising and how the combination of those two powerful elements, had served her well.

I said “I feel like my astrology has always been something I’ve had to work against. Something to get over”

"Why Darlin'?"

"Well, I’m a Cancer with a Moon in Pisces. Seven planets in water. It’s hard to get anything done when all you do is drown in your feelings"

She looked at me with her warm face and said in her loud West Texas drawl “Darlin’ You’re Here to Become a Master of the Emotional Body”

"A what?" I asked

"With all those planets in water. You're not here to drown in those emotions. You're here to master them and transmute them. "

That moment was a big  ah-ha for me. I realized what she said was correct and this was a perfect re-framing of how I perceived myself.

And, it doesn't matter if one believes in astrology or not. It's about a much bigger issue, how I have always seen myself and my emotional make up.

As you know I’ve always perceived my strong emotions as something of a deficit. To me and certainly to my mother, they were always something that I should just “get over."

And then, I dealt with panic attacks all those years because I could never help but feel everything in full force especially when I was younger.

But, something shifted in me when she spoke. I understood that not only am I am empathetic, a trait that I use effectively to help people in my work, but that this level of feeling body has in fact actually been more of an asset than a deficit to me.

It pushed me to get help and develop my consciousness. There was so much pain that I had to do something. Wallowing in depression simply never worked for me. The pain has pushed me to wake up, to deconstruct our family patterns and seek help. It has been the great spiritual guide on my path. And, it has also allowed me to access my intuition to make better and better choices along the way. 

So, I am here to master the emotional body. I am here to meet all my feelings, the intensity of grief, rage, love, sensitivity, devastation, fear, anxiety and everything else. I am also here to come back to my own center of being and clarity, to work with these emotions, but to also marry them to a higher perspective and continue to trust and let go.

And no one in my life has aided me in actually practicing this life time purpose path more than you. You have forced me, through your true and earnest desires to grow and expand, create and test your limits, do deal with all of my feelings, especially the fear and panic that have haunted me for all of my life.

But especially, because of the enormous and infinite love that I was able to access when you were born, I have been inspired to devote myself ever more deeply to my right work and path. And, admit when I have screwed up, which has been dramatically and more than I would have liked, over the years. But the visceral feeling of love for you supported me, more than anything in staying true, even when part of me would have preferred that I slip back into denial.

You, my dear, have a far different path. You being you, have been strong and clear about yourself  from the get go. I remember walking with you past, West 4^th Street in NYC, when you were five years old. We walked past NYU and you told me that you could not wait to grow up and move here. The signs of boldness and creativity have always been strong in you. I knew intuitively, that you would never be satisfied with a small or conventional life.

But, when you came up with the idea, after your friend Bailey led the way, of going abroad for a year, at the ripe old age of seventeen, my stomach still did a somersault. You, of course, were accepted into the program and manifested Sweden as your country for the year. Pretty much about as different and as far away from New Mexico as one could go and still be on the planet.

Sigh.

On the outside, of course, I know that this is great for you. Perfect. I watched you out-growing our small little town in the desert over the last several years. While Santa Fe is a gentle place in many ways, to raise kids, particularly for those of us in alternative culture, it is not a great place for teens as you and your friends discovered.

The pet parade, which you walked in with your cockatiel, Penny on your shoulder, and the Children’s Museum, where you played with a bucket and shovel in the sand for hours, and learned to not be afraid of snakes, unlike your mom, are long ago childhood memories.

You would still come with me occasionally to the Farmer’s Market for a breakfast burrito with freshly roasted green chili on a fall morning. But mostly, you and your friends were moving onto different paths.

It became easy for me to see, in these last few years how treacherous growing up in a small town can be through the teen years. While as a parent, my impulse is to protect, without a balance of focus and freedom, it is so easy to see how things get off track.

When Hannah died last summer, in a collision of the bright, naïve and bored, I knew that I wanted you out of here.

And, of course, the other side of that statement is that I didn’t at all want you out of here.

You know that part of me too. I know it drove you crazy, but as you were needing to expand and grow, the fear that circumstances bred, or perhaps, simply re-inforced in me made me want to throw my magical mama blanket around you and keep you even closer. However, you showed me in ways that were undeniable, that you not only were ready, but needed to go and to grow.

So, here we are. I am sitting on our deck overlooking the forest outside of town. Frankin and Monk are sitting out here with me, surveying the land below for perhaps a lizard to catch or a rabbit to chase.

And, you my beloved daughter, have landed safely in Stockholm. I kept vigil through the night along with you, as you flew through time-zones and space, over the Atlantic Ocean, through stops in Atlanta and Amsterdam. I took my first deep breath when I got your text that you were at the baggage claim in Stockholm.

I took a much bigger breath and my entire being erupted in quiet joy, when I saw your first blog post. You reported that your host family arrived to greet you with a welcome card and a Zia flag, the symbol of New Mexico. To hear that you were being greeted in such a warm manner and that Host Mama left snacks in your room for jet lag munching in the middle of the night, brought something beyond gratitude. I experienced peace of mind.

I know that you are where you need to be right now. And, at the age of fifty, I too am where I need to be. I am shifting my cells and molecules in relationship to mothering you. And, I am breathing a deep sigh of relief that we made it, this far, through so much. Now is a time when we are both taking huge creative risks into the unknown to see what we discover here.

Thank you for insisting that you never settle for less that what you really want. As I lean into processing this change, I will share my reflections with you.

You my divine child. I have never loved you more than I do today.

Love, Mama